Buy my product, it works, honest....

Dr. Roy Jobson, M.D., a pharmacology instructor at Rhodes University in South Africa, has written a satirical and stinging article on the techniques used to take advantage of the “worried well” and others to scare and trick them into buying bogus weight loss products, health foods, and remedies for nonexistent health problems. Not for the faint of heart, but well worth a read in its entirety. There is a lesson in critical thinking in every step:

How to sell your soul in 10 easy steps

Assume I have no conscience or any morals.... Here I am in South Africa just ready to make a buck from those most gullible of consumers — the worried (but wealthy) well... I’ve found an overseas manufacturer of a sure-fire best-seller in South Africa — “Taller-brand” height-increase pills. (Read: “weight-loss remedies;” “hair-growth enhancers;” “bust-enlargement medications;” “penis-enlargement tablets;” “improved sexual-performance capsules;” “immune boosters;” etc.) I just need to import the product, start marketing it, sit back and wait for the rands to roll in.

He then reviews how simple it would be to sell his product using tried and true marketing tactics that, sadly, many people believe give credibility to health and product claims:

1. I would state that the product is a natural “nutritional [or dietary] supplement” on all official documentation, especially customs, and thereby hopefully avoid any need to interact with the inspectors.... 3. I would apply for a NAPPI (National Pharmaceutical Product/Pricing Index) code — so that your [insurer] will pay for the product or at least make part of the payment....

4. I would find a tame/shady pharmacist or medic friend who would agree to substantiate that the product works [doctors were amazed at how much taller I became within a few weeks of taking “Taller-brand” pills!], just in case anyone submits a complaint to the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA).

5. I would advertise widely using obfuscatory phrases such as “helps to,” “improves,” “alleviates,” “supports,” or “assists the body with.” No specific or definitive claim such as cures short stature, or treats the vertically challenged etc. As none of the print or electronic media seem to have any ethical problems about accepting advertisements of this genre, I would have free reign until or unless someone complained to the ASA... a long, drawn out process of appeals, allegations of breaches of the code, and/or arbitration would ensure that I could cover legal fees and continue selling and profiting for months or even years — while the media continue to accept my advertising.

6. For my website, I would find a research article in any obscure journal that shows that the product (or just one ingredient) makes use of previously unused or unknown technology, which technology may have been endorsed by a Nobel Prize winner or person of similar stature. Molecular-structure hypotheses, laboratory tests and animal studies, rather than clinical trials with humans, would of course be emphasised. Extrapolations to living human beings can always be fudged. Besides which, none of the target market are likely to question “science.”

7. I would find a salesperson oozing with charm, and in possession of a degree or diploma of some sort. This person could intercalate doses of scientific-sounding verbiage with common sense, and smoothly spout these, making the product appear highly credible. For example: The Earth we grow our food in is now so deficient in nutrients — especially vitamins, minerals and antioxidants — that the produce of that soil (or an animal that eats food growing in it) is similarly deficient. And this is why people are no longer growing as tall (retaining their hair, developing as large breasts or penises, enjoying sex, living as long) as they could. But science is here to help!...

Any concerns a person may have about the quality of my product will most likely remain unanswered for many long years..... But by then it wouldn’t matter — I’d have made my money several times over....

So, please, should you be feeling a little short (fat, bald, small, libido-deficient, aged), don’t hesitate to buy my product(s). You and your healthcare professionals will be astounded at the results. I will make a fortune.... [Follow link in the title to read the full article.]